Monday, September 28, 2015

My Story From The Start.... Chapter 1...

Lately this has been my response (in bold black letters) every time I was asked this question and the picture truly shows how I have really been feeling deep down inside.


  Where do I begin? I honestly think I should do a "Tell All" , well maybe not all but the main parts of my life that has made a huge impact in my life. I think that it may help those who judge me to get to know me on a different level and possibly help others who are stuck in a situation such as mine. Maybe not in a tremendous way, but just by helping them to see that they are not alone in there trials and that someone out there has been through it already, is currently in the same situation and or is coming up on it. Ha, but what do I know, I can't even type or text without my auto correct on.Lol. 

Because these past few months have been by far one of the hardest trying times in my life I can honestly say I have been through more trials then a Pro bono lawyer!Lol. Okay, well maybe that was a bit dramatic, but believe me when I say I have been through so much physical, mental and emotion trials that it has started to cloud my judgement and caused me lose focus on things starting with my priorities, it has broken me down, causing me to Shut down a few times(when I was alone) and lose sight of what means more to me then anything else in this world, which is my faith and family.  So let's go way back, back to when it started...... Stuck in a room filled with many other little kids playing with toys, I seen the pensive look in my sister's eyes as they glanced around. They looked a little out of place, lost and not quite understanding what we were all doing there which made me feel uncomfortable. In came a cheerful lady who skillfully whisked my sisters and I out of the room, down the hall and into a quiet, elegantly decorated white room filled with attentive strangers staring at us with such joy and excitement. Scared to walk in, I froze, until I felt a little nudge getting us through the doors, in which I remember grabbing one of my sisters hand as it was the only comfort I could find at the time. The further we walked the more scared I felt, until I noticed my parents standing in the front of the room waiting with open arms to embrace my sisters and I. I've never felt so relieved in my life. It wasn't until an old man started talking that I realized that my family and I were being sealed for all time and eternity. I was probably 4 or 5 years old at the time and I still remember that day because it was one of few positive memories I have had with both my parents as a child.

A few years past and I must say my sisters and I have been through so much that we, in a sense, were forced to grow up a little quicker. We had witnessed things that have been traumatizing and been through things that have caused me to have depression at a young age. It was then that I became insecure of myself and the future, depressed about the past and shy to really opening up. I had shut down emotionally and thought to myself, I now know better so now I could pave a better path for my future through my experiences. I thought I would be able to prevent pain in my life, especially when I became an adult. And to be honest I think it has actually had the opposite affect. 

Another memory I have that I think affected me was when I was about 7 years old and my dad was packing up all our belongings after buckling our seat belts for my sisters and I. We started our road trip from Long Beach, CA  to Salt Lake City, UT and all I remember from that trip was being so excited to be on the road and going on a adventure to a new place. Well that feeling wore off after a few hours into the drive when it suddenly hit me and tears started streaming uncontrollably down my cheeks as I realized we weren't going back for my mom. We left her in California to be with her family as we left for Utah to have a fresh start.  I couldn't imagine my life without her because we saw what she had been through  and felt sorry for her. We thought she needed us. At the time I don't think I was able to comprehend the pain and anger and hurt my dad must have been feeling causing him to just pick up and leave but now that I look back on it, it was probably for the best. 

As you can already tell my parents did divorce when I was young and I don't think I ever got over it because as a child I thought I knew who was to blame and who I could trust. Then over the years the tables have turned and I, being a mom now can understand a little more why things happened the way it did. The hardest part about having divorced parents to me was leaving one behind. It was never easy saying good bye to either parent when boarding the plane every other holiday or every school break we had. I always felt sorry for the parent left behind because I felt like they were lost without my sisters and I. I love my parents and understand now why they separated. I just feel like the divorce changed them in a way. When I was about 11 years old I remember our visits got shorter and shorter to the point where we would only get post cards from my mom and phone calls every now and then. Ughh.. if that didn't trigger my depression leaving me to feel neglected I can probably think of a few other things. 

Well my fingers are tired of typing now so until next time.. Enjoy the start of my journey until we reach my current phase in life!!

Love Always..
K. Motuliki

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