Sunday, December 27, 2015

No one could ever be prepared.

Arguing,debating, reasoning and negotiating with my kids on another normal Thursday night, is what i was probably doing when Sheen and I had received a text from our eldest sister, Maria, asking us to call her ASAP as my mom was back in the hospital again however this time it was different from all her other routine check ups. After speaking with them we decided to take the next available flight out to Long Beach, unfortunately since it was the weekend prior to Thanksgiving we had no luck and ended up driving Friday afternoon.

When we got there my mom was somewhat responsive yet very unrecognizable. We seen her in and out of the hospital numerous times these past few years but never did she appear to be so ill, helpless and weak. My heart hurt to see my mom so fragile and vulnerably weak. We stayed the night with her in the hospital and played catch up with my other siblings whom all live in California with my mom. Once they left to go home Sheen and I just got as comfortable as possible and talked with my mom although she was in and out of it majority of the night. We kept trying to get her to share her bed but she just grinned at us and went back to I don't blame her, I wouldn't want to share with Sheen either and out of respect for my sister I too had to decline my moms offer of sleeping next to her since being her favorite daughter had put a big red target on my back for my sisters to fire at will already!!Lol.

The next day when my moms husband, Tapp, came up to the hospital we left to get ready for the day and get something to eat before spending yet another long day at the hospital. Once we returned back to my mom she seemed a little more alert then the day before. We were told my mom had requested that we head back home to pick up our families and return back to California to spend Thanksgiving with her. We agreed and headed back home early Sunday morning.

On the way back we received a few calls/text messages from my husband and his cousin Tupou, who lived in St. George, asking us to please pull over once we get there so that he could treat us to lunch. We tried to talk our way out of it because we felt rushed with limited time but decided we could probably use the distraction. So we met up with the Moala family for brunch. Once we placed our order Sheen excused herself to take a call. Our food came out about 20 mins later and still no Sheena in sight so I too excused myself to look for her. I went outside to the car when I noticed her slouched over crying. Sheen looked up at me and said that my mom has taken a turn for the worse and they need us to haul ass back to the hospital?!? We were more then half way home and had to drive back with only a few hours of rest in the past 72 hours.

The only problem with going back was that my mom was in the ICU and I was not allowed to take King inside, yet he was already with us. So the Moala family, being generous and kind like always, stepped up without hesitation and offered to keep King while we made our way  back to my mom. They will never know how thankful I am to them for helping me out in our time of need.

We finally made it back to see my mom still ALIVE and fast asleep. After being reassured by the nurses that she was once again stable, we went back to her house to get a little rest and freshen up before heading back to see my mom. Tapp continued to be as strong and comforting to us as possible in letting us know the doctors have been giving my mom meds that will help her regain her strength so we just needed to be strong for her.

Well that Monday morning she seemed so alert, more then shes ever been and kept smiling and nodding her head to answer everyone's questions. It was almost as if she was recovering just like Tapp said she would. We asked her questions along the lines of  "If Sheena was really adopted?" and she said YES!Lol.. We even asked her who her favorite child was and of course she said me!!Lol.. Sheen started laughing assuming my mom was just saying yes to everything so she constantly asked my mom if she loved all her kids and over and over again the answer was NOT yes!! It was so fun just sitting with all my sibs and mom that morning. As the day went on my mom started to be less responsive while painfully laying there trying to sleeep. She eventually started crying for a few hours because the pain would not let up. I stepped out of the room for a few minutes to call home but once I returned back to the room the nurse walked in to tell Tapp, my brother,sisters and I that she needed to take us to a family room to talk with the Doctors. I felt as if my heart started to crumble in a million pieces while dropping in slow motion.

My reaction was to look straight at Sheen for help, reassurance,comfort or something to keep me from crying like I always have growing up. I watched a lot of movies to know that this was not a good thing. Sheen looked calmly at me and with a firm voice said "It's going to be okay Lala. They just don't want to worry mom with anything. So they are just going to update us on her health. but don't worry we're going to be okay." Well as we sat in that family room down the hall from my mom, we all seemed to know what was about to happen but could not yet comprehend the pain we were about to feel once all was said and done.  The doctors walked in and sat for a minute as one appeared to be gathering his thoughts in finding an easy way to tell us the  news no family would want to hear.

He told us that my moms health has been deteriorating the past few days and they have maxed out on the pain meds she can take to eliminate any discomfort along with many other meds that she needed in order to survive,on top of not being able to breathe on her own. I couldn't help but cry uncontrollably in that moment. The doctors continued to tell us that once the meds my mom was currently on ran out there was nothing more they could do. However they wanted us to know that from that point on my mom was suffering with every breathe. So we as her children and her spouse had the option to stop all meds and give her a pain reliever to help her go in peace or let her lay there in pain until the meds ran out and even then she will eventually pass.  Her husband knew how much we, her children, meant to her and ultimately left that decision up to us as he knew that's what my mom would have wanted. My siblings were balling uncontrollably by this time and as I spoke up for all of us. This was a subject we discussed the night before to prepare ourselves for the worst. I could have probably been more sensitive to Tapp as he tried to convince us that God was going to heal my mom and to fight to keep her alive, but to us as her kids, we were hurting watching my mom suffer as she has been in and out of the hospital our whole lives. So to me this decision was hard but no child wants to see there parent suffer. Especially if we knew she was going to pass soon regardless what we decided, it was just a matter of when.

We went into my moms room saying our final goodbyes before we officially stopped everything and it seemed as if she knew what we were about to do. I'll never forget the look on her face as her eyes were full of fear and her hands fighting so hard to motion to us that she wasn't ready. Or at least that is what it looked like to me. The room was full of tears and cries of prayers to be blessed with peace, comfort and strength to get through these next few minutes, hours, days,weeks ect... We stopped everything at 5pm and my mom flat lined within the hour. We stood around her and said our final goodbyes as our immediate families started showing up to do the same. At that very moment my mom looked so beautiful, carefree, peaceful and pain  free as if she were just sleeping... We cherish that moment always.. Til this day I find myself crying in the most random places at the most random times. I have been full of guilt since she passed wishing I would have spent more time with her or took my kids out to visit her more and I see now most of my guilt comes from speaking up about the decision that changed my life forever. I don't think anyone will ever be prepared for trials such as these.

I just pray that I find comfort, strength and peace sooner rather then later cause at this very moment I do blame myself here and there and it is overwhelming at times.. I can't deal ..

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