Sunday, December 27, 2015

No one could ever be prepared.

Arguing,debating, reasoning and negotiating with my kids on another normal Thursday night, is what i was probably doing when Sheen and I had received a text from our eldest sister, Maria, asking us to call her ASAP as my mom was back in the hospital again however this time it was different from all her other routine check ups. After speaking with them we decided to take the next available flight out to Long Beach, unfortunately since it was the weekend prior to Thanksgiving we had no luck and ended up driving Friday afternoon.

When we got there my mom was somewhat responsive yet very unrecognizable. We seen her in and out of the hospital numerous times these past few years but never did she appear to be so ill, helpless and weak. My heart hurt to see my mom so fragile and vulnerably weak. We stayed the night with her in the hospital and played catch up with my other siblings whom all live in California with my mom. Once they left to go home Sheen and I just got as comfortable as possible and talked with my mom although she was in and out of it majority of the night. We kept trying to get her to share her bed but she just grinned at us and went back to I don't blame her, I wouldn't want to share with Sheen either and out of respect for my sister I too had to decline my moms offer of sleeping next to her since being her favorite daughter had put a big red target on my back for my sisters to fire at will already!!Lol.

The next day when my moms husband, Tapp, came up to the hospital we left to get ready for the day and get something to eat before spending yet another long day at the hospital. Once we returned back to my mom she seemed a little more alert then the day before. We were told my mom had requested that we head back home to pick up our families and return back to California to spend Thanksgiving with her. We agreed and headed back home early Sunday morning.

On the way back we received a few calls/text messages from my husband and his cousin Tupou, who lived in St. George, asking us to please pull over once we get there so that he could treat us to lunch. We tried to talk our way out of it because we felt rushed with limited time but decided we could probably use the distraction. So we met up with the Moala family for brunch. Once we placed our order Sheen excused herself to take a call. Our food came out about 20 mins later and still no Sheena in sight so I too excused myself to look for her. I went outside to the car when I noticed her slouched over crying. Sheen looked up at me and said that my mom has taken a turn for the worse and they need us to haul ass back to the hospital?!? We were more then half way home and had to drive back with only a few hours of rest in the past 72 hours.

The only problem with going back was that my mom was in the ICU and I was not allowed to take King inside, yet he was already with us. So the Moala family, being generous and kind like always, stepped up without hesitation and offered to keep King while we made our way  back to my mom. They will never know how thankful I am to them for helping me out in our time of need.

We finally made it back to see my mom still ALIVE and fast asleep. After being reassured by the nurses that she was once again stable, we went back to her house to get a little rest and freshen up before heading back to see my mom. Tapp continued to be as strong and comforting to us as possible in letting us know the doctors have been giving my mom meds that will help her regain her strength so we just needed to be strong for her.

Well that Monday morning she seemed so alert, more then shes ever been and kept smiling and nodding her head to answer everyone's questions. It was almost as if she was recovering just like Tapp said she would. We asked her questions along the lines of  "If Sheena was really adopted?" and she said YES!Lol.. We even asked her who her favorite child was and of course she said me!!Lol.. Sheen started laughing assuming my mom was just saying yes to everything so she constantly asked my mom if she loved all her kids and over and over again the answer was NOT yes!! It was so fun just sitting with all my sibs and mom that morning. As the day went on my mom started to be less responsive while painfully laying there trying to sleeep. She eventually started crying for a few hours because the pain would not let up. I stepped out of the room for a few minutes to call home but once I returned back to the room the nurse walked in to tell Tapp, my brother,sisters and I that she needed to take us to a family room to talk with the Doctors. I felt as if my heart started to crumble in a million pieces while dropping in slow motion.

My reaction was to look straight at Sheen for help, reassurance,comfort or something to keep me from crying like I always have growing up. I watched a lot of movies to know that this was not a good thing. Sheen looked calmly at me and with a firm voice said "It's going to be okay Lala. They just don't want to worry mom with anything. So they are just going to update us on her health. but don't worry we're going to be okay." Well as we sat in that family room down the hall from my mom, we all seemed to know what was about to happen but could not yet comprehend the pain we were about to feel once all was said and done.  The doctors walked in and sat for a minute as one appeared to be gathering his thoughts in finding an easy way to tell us the  news no family would want to hear.

He told us that my moms health has been deteriorating the past few days and they have maxed out on the pain meds she can take to eliminate any discomfort along with many other meds that she needed in order to survive,on top of not being able to breathe on her own. I couldn't help but cry uncontrollably in that moment. The doctors continued to tell us that once the meds my mom was currently on ran out there was nothing more they could do. However they wanted us to know that from that point on my mom was suffering with every breathe. So we as her children and her spouse had the option to stop all meds and give her a pain reliever to help her go in peace or let her lay there in pain until the meds ran out and even then she will eventually pass.  Her husband knew how much we, her children, meant to her and ultimately left that decision up to us as he knew that's what my mom would have wanted. My siblings were balling uncontrollably by this time and as I spoke up for all of us. This was a subject we discussed the night before to prepare ourselves for the worst. I could have probably been more sensitive to Tapp as he tried to convince us that God was going to heal my mom and to fight to keep her alive, but to us as her kids, we were hurting watching my mom suffer as she has been in and out of the hospital our whole lives. So to me this decision was hard but no child wants to see there parent suffer. Especially if we knew she was going to pass soon regardless what we decided, it was just a matter of when.

We went into my moms room saying our final goodbyes before we officially stopped everything and it seemed as if she knew what we were about to do. I'll never forget the look on her face as her eyes were full of fear and her hands fighting so hard to motion to us that she wasn't ready. Or at least that is what it looked like to me. The room was full of tears and cries of prayers to be blessed with peace, comfort and strength to get through these next few minutes, hours, days,weeks ect... We stopped everything at 5pm and my mom flat lined within the hour. We stood around her and said our final goodbyes as our immediate families started showing up to do the same. At that very moment my mom looked so beautiful, carefree, peaceful and pain  free as if she were just sleeping... We cherish that moment always.. Til this day I find myself crying in the most random places at the most random times. I have been full of guilt since she passed wishing I would have spent more time with her or took my kids out to visit her more and I see now most of my guilt comes from speaking up about the decision that changed my life forever. I don't think anyone will ever be prepared for trials such as these.

I just pray that I find comfort, strength and peace sooner rather then later cause at this very moment I do blame myself here and there and it is overwhelming at times.. I can't deal ..

Monday, September 28, 2015

My Story From The Start.... Chapter 1...

Lately this has been my response (in bold black letters) every time I was asked this question and the picture truly shows how I have really been feeling deep down inside.


  Where do I begin? I honestly think I should do a "Tell All" , well maybe not all but the main parts of my life that has made a huge impact in my life. I think that it may help those who judge me to get to know me on a different level and possibly help others who are stuck in a situation such as mine. Maybe not in a tremendous way, but just by helping them to see that they are not alone in there trials and that someone out there has been through it already, is currently in the same situation and or is coming up on it. Ha, but what do I know, I can't even type or text without my auto correct on.Lol. 

Because these past few months have been by far one of the hardest trying times in my life I can honestly say I have been through more trials then a Pro bono lawyer!Lol. Okay, well maybe that was a bit dramatic, but believe me when I say I have been through so much physical, mental and emotion trials that it has started to cloud my judgement and caused me lose focus on things starting with my priorities, it has broken me down, causing me to Shut down a few times(when I was alone) and lose sight of what means more to me then anything else in this world, which is my faith and family.  So let's go way back, back to when it started...... Stuck in a room filled with many other little kids playing with toys, I seen the pensive look in my sister's eyes as they glanced around. They looked a little out of place, lost and not quite understanding what we were all doing there which made me feel uncomfortable. In came a cheerful lady who skillfully whisked my sisters and I out of the room, down the hall and into a quiet, elegantly decorated white room filled with attentive strangers staring at us with such joy and excitement. Scared to walk in, I froze, until I felt a little nudge getting us through the doors, in which I remember grabbing one of my sisters hand as it was the only comfort I could find at the time. The further we walked the more scared I felt, until I noticed my parents standing in the front of the room waiting with open arms to embrace my sisters and I. I've never felt so relieved in my life. It wasn't until an old man started talking that I realized that my family and I were being sealed for all time and eternity. I was probably 4 or 5 years old at the time and I still remember that day because it was one of few positive memories I have had with both my parents as a child.

A few years past and I must say my sisters and I have been through so much that we, in a sense, were forced to grow up a little quicker. We had witnessed things that have been traumatizing and been through things that have caused me to have depression at a young age. It was then that I became insecure of myself and the future, depressed about the past and shy to really opening up. I had shut down emotionally and thought to myself, I now know better so now I could pave a better path for my future through my experiences. I thought I would be able to prevent pain in my life, especially when I became an adult. And to be honest I think it has actually had the opposite affect. 

Another memory I have that I think affected me was when I was about 7 years old and my dad was packing up all our belongings after buckling our seat belts for my sisters and I. We started our road trip from Long Beach, CA  to Salt Lake City, UT and all I remember from that trip was being so excited to be on the road and going on a adventure to a new place. Well that feeling wore off after a few hours into the drive when it suddenly hit me and tears started streaming uncontrollably down my cheeks as I realized we weren't going back for my mom. We left her in California to be with her family as we left for Utah to have a fresh start.  I couldn't imagine my life without her because we saw what she had been through  and felt sorry for her. We thought she needed us. At the time I don't think I was able to comprehend the pain and anger and hurt my dad must have been feeling causing him to just pick up and leave but now that I look back on it, it was probably for the best. 

As you can already tell my parents did divorce when I was young and I don't think I ever got over it because as a child I thought I knew who was to blame and who I could trust. Then over the years the tables have turned and I, being a mom now can understand a little more why things happened the way it did. The hardest part about having divorced parents to me was leaving one behind. It was never easy saying good bye to either parent when boarding the plane every other holiday or every school break we had. I always felt sorry for the parent left behind because I felt like they were lost without my sisters and I. I love my parents and understand now why they separated. I just feel like the divorce changed them in a way. When I was about 11 years old I remember our visits got shorter and shorter to the point where we would only get post cards from my mom and phone calls every now and then. Ughh.. if that didn't trigger my depression leaving me to feel neglected I can probably think of a few other things. 

Well my fingers are tired of typing now so until next time.. Enjoy the start of my journey until we reach my current phase in life!!

Love Always..
K. Motuliki

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Fears Galore...

Starting this pregnancy at the heaviest I have ever been in my life has been such a huge stress factor for me. These past 34 weeks have been less then enjoyable for me as I have been suffering from horrible anxiety as well. I am constantly fearing the worst about every situation. Having stress and anxiety also contribute to my depression. I never realized how much stress and depression could affect  the human body until now. I have no energy to really do anything, I find myself in the middle of my own pity party daily because I (according to my midwifes chart) am morbidly obese. Worried about what people are going to say about me and how much bigger I look I try not to go out as much. I also feel like I notice every little thing different about my body that isn't normal causing me to think the worst and puts me into a uncontrollable state of fear.

A few examples are; When I got a few sharp pains around my heart it made me think I had some sort of deadly heart condition as it runs in my moms family but EKG s and other test have shown otherwise. I also noticed my hair falls out a lot more then normal making me think I have some kind of un diagnosed decease that too could be deadly, only to be told that it is normal due to over stress, over weight and or could be genetic as well. I then noticed my breast started to hurt on a daily (sorry if it is TMI) which scared the hell out of me because I thought I might have breast cancer which this too was not the case as my mid wife checked and ruled that out. My sore breast were due to my body preparing for baby as I am in my last trimester. I have also had crazy dreams regarding my husband that wake me up in the middle of the night angry at him to the point where I am mad at him all day for no reason. Lol. I mean I seriously cant deal with half the stuff that make me worry. I'm sure there are a lot of other minor things that contribute to my anxiety however majority of it is due to stress and poor health. My biggest fear is not loving my baby boy as much as he deserves.

I haven't really talked much about being diagnosed with "Prenatal Depression". Its similar to Postpartum Depression except in this case it is a little different. Instead of getting depressed after the birth of a baby I am suffering through depression now making it harder for me to have a bond with my baby. I know what you might be thinking, " How could any mother feel this way about her unborn child?" or "How could anyone in general resent such a blessing?" Well I thought those same things which made me realize that something was wrong. I've learned Prenatal Depression occurs in 7-20 percent of women. Most of whom are currently going through a life changing experience, stressed out or already depressed prior to pregnancy. I didn't really feel a bond towards baby as it seemed more of a burden to me at the time then a blessing. During the 3rd trimester most mothers would be anxious to get there baby out, however I honestly didn't mind waiting the whole 40 weeks as I felt I needed more time to prepare for baby. This experience has been hard for me because I felt like I came off to people as if I didn't want this baby and I would harm him which was far from the truth. I love my unborn son, it just took awhile for me to grow a bond with him.  My mid wife advised me that majority of woman suffering from this depression come out of it during the end of there third trimester or shortly after meeting there baby for the first time. Seeing that I was coming to the middle of my 3rd trimester I decided to start the process of putting our baby boys room together when I noticed I was actually excited about this pregnancy for the first time in a long time.

Thankfully my anxiety, stress and depression has been minimized due to the support I have been receiving and other counselling. I can honestly say I was hoping to be farther along then where I am today in this process but I just have to keep reminding myself that slow progress is still progress whether I see it or not. One day at a time is how I have chosen to get past this and move forward. I do realize that there is nothing wrong with my constant fears or feelings I have had or still have til this day. It will not change over night therefore I will need to have more patience with this process. 

Anywho I thought I would end this post on a positive note, at 33 weeks I have only gained 2lbs from my pre pregnancy weight!!! Yes I eat, No its not always healthy and No it wasn't intentional but my mid wife told me that although it is not normal, she sees this happen more with obese woman. Nevertheless baby is healthy and growing (actually two weeks faster then expected) so I am perfectly happy with that. I figure if she doesn't seem to be worried about this then I'm not going to either!!! I know I just said " Positive Note" but that was before I realized that I was always this heavy already and I'm not sure that is a good thing =( Okay, never mind, scratch that, Im going to try and stay positive now!!!Lol.

Before I end this post I just wanted to be clear that I am not looking for a sympathy party, a hand out or for others to pity me, I am just trying to let others who are going through this know they aren't alone and it will get better whether they see it or not. I also wrote this for my family and friends who are wondering why they haven't seem nor heard from me lately. Please know I wasn't avoiding you guys, I just wasn't ready to leave my house of fear worried I might act some kind of  way in public. Lol.. I am at a better place now that I think its okay for me to be social again =D