Fears Galore...

Starting this pregnancy at the heaviest I have ever been in my life has been such a huge stress factor for me. These past 34 weeks have been less then enjoyable for me as I have been suffering from horrible anxiety as well. I am constantly fearing the worst about every situation. Having stress and anxiety also contribute to my depression. I never realized how much stress and depression could affect  the human body until now. I have no energy to really do anything, I find myself in the middle of my own pity party daily because I (according to my midwifes chart) am morbidly obese. Worried about what people are going to say about me and how much bigger I look I try not to go out as much. I also feel like I notice every little thing different about my body that isn't normal causing me to think the worst and puts me into a uncontrollable state of fear.

A few examples are; When I got a few sharp pains around my heart it made me think I had some sort of deadly heart condition as it runs in my moms family but EKG s and other test have shown otherwise. I also noticed my hair falls out a lot more then normal making me think I have some kind of un diagnosed decease that too could be deadly, only to be told that it is normal due to over stress, over weight and or could be genetic as well. I then noticed my breast started to hurt on a daily (sorry if it is TMI) which scared the hell out of me because I thought I might have breast cancer which this too was not the case as my mid wife checked and ruled that out. My sore breast were due to my body preparing for baby as I am in my last trimester. I have also had crazy dreams regarding my husband that wake me up in the middle of the night angry at him to the point where I am mad at him all day for no reason. Lol. I mean I seriously cant deal with half the stuff that make me worry. I'm sure there are a lot of other minor things that contribute to my anxiety however majority of it is due to stress and poor health. My biggest fear is not loving my baby boy as much as he deserves.

I haven't really talked much about being diagnosed with "Prenatal Depression". Its similar to Postpartum Depression except in this case it is a little different. Instead of getting depressed after the birth of a baby I am suffering through depression now making it harder for me to have a bond with my baby. I know what you might be thinking, " How could any mother feel this way about her unborn child?" or "How could anyone in general resent such a blessing?" Well I thought those same things which made me realize that something was wrong. I've learned Prenatal Depression occurs in 7-20 percent of women. Most of whom are currently going through a life changing experience, stressed out or already depressed prior to pregnancy. I didn't really feel a bond towards baby as it seemed more of a burden to me at the time then a blessing. During the 3rd trimester most mothers would be anxious to get there baby out, however I honestly didn't mind waiting the whole 40 weeks as I felt I needed more time to prepare for baby. This experience has been hard for me because I felt like I came off to people as if I didn't want this baby and I would harm him which was far from the truth. I love my unborn son, it just took awhile for me to grow a bond with him.  My mid wife advised me that majority of woman suffering from this depression come out of it during the end of there third trimester or shortly after meeting there baby for the first time. Seeing that I was coming to the middle of my 3rd trimester I decided to start the process of putting our baby boys room together when I noticed I was actually excited about this pregnancy for the first time in a long time.

Thankfully my anxiety, stress and depression has been minimized due to the support I have been receiving and other counselling. I can honestly say I was hoping to be farther along then where I am today in this process but I just have to keep reminding myself that slow progress is still progress whether I see it or not. One day at a time is how I have chosen to get past this and move forward. I do realize that there is nothing wrong with my constant fears or feelings I have had or still have til this day. It will not change over night therefore I will need to have more patience with this process. 

Anywho I thought I would end this post on a positive note, at 33 weeks I have only gained 2lbs from my pre pregnancy weight!!! Yes I eat, No its not always healthy and No it wasn't intentional but my mid wife told me that although it is not normal, she sees this happen more with obese woman. Nevertheless baby is healthy and growing (actually two weeks faster then expected) so I am perfectly happy with that. I figure if she doesn't seem to be worried about this then I'm not going to either!!! I know I just said " Positive Note" but that was before I realized that I was always this heavy already and I'm not sure that is a good thing =( Okay, never mind, scratch that, Im going to try and stay positive now!!!Lol.

Before I end this post I just wanted to be clear that I am not looking for a sympathy party, a hand out or for others to pity me, I am just trying to let others who are going through this know they aren't alone and it will get better whether they see it or not. I also wrote this for my family and friends who are wondering why they haven't seem nor heard from me lately. Please know I wasn't avoiding you guys, I just wasn't ready to leave my house of fear worried I might act some kind of  way in public. Lol.. I am at a better place now that I think its okay for me to be social again =D