The truth of the matter is...

Can you believe it is the end of August already?!? I know that it is important for my kids to go to school but for my own selfish reasons I want them to stay home with me all day! Okay well maybe not all day but majority of the day!!LOL! I feel like this year is going by so fast while I sat back and procrastinate things. I got off to a great start by working out daily and being able to balance being a mom, wife and friend. Then I got burnt out after just a few months because my work schedule threw me off a bit but I am focusing on getting back on that "GetFitDon'tQuit" bandwagon. For awhile I have been having days where I don't even want to get out of bed. I just want to sleep all day. Days where I find myself feeling sorry for myself to the point where I put blame on others for my unhappiness. I find myself reminiscing about incidents that happened in the past and because I didn't get the results or apologies I felt I deserved it made me angry all over again. I know this is sad and stupid but I felt like I honestly could not control the way I feel. Even til this day, I find myself overwhelmed and stressed out about things that I know I can control but don't like my weight. I noticed I have been gaining weight and having thee hardest time losing it but I am sure in time I will figure it out.

This past year I have been feeling extremely stressed out. After having Brigham last year I don't think I ever got past the post partum depression. There has always been one thing right after another and in my mind it was always easier for me to suppress my feelings then to vent or let it all out in fear of causing un necessary tension or awkwardness.

Well lately I have been feeling extremely fatigue, irritable, angry, moody or just plain emotional (dramatic, I know). There were days that I just wanted to lay in bed and cry all day because I was overwhelmed with issues that were going on around me (so yes, I guess you  can say I was feeling sorry for myself). Then there were days where I felt like I just wanted to be alone with just me and my kids because I knew they were the only ones that  could bring comfort and peace to me when I needed it most. For the most part I was able to do what I normally do such as work, parent be a wife..ect.. But something has changed. I started having chest pains, neck & back aches and my hair was falling out more then usual. I mean everyone knows there own body and mine just wasn't the same. So I went to get checked and found out that the body aches and hair loss could be caused by being extremely stressed out and because I am suffering from depression. I was prescribed medication but didn't pick it up because I was embarrassed because I am poly and poly's don't get depressed. But now that I think about it I think I may need that medication after all. I also found out that I may have lung arthritis, which causes the pains in my chest. Not sure what causes that but I will look into this further later. I'm just drained now. I don't know how I got to this point but I do know that I hate it and want out NOW..

I am working on me and trying to get out of this negative stage in my life so that I can be a better ME for my family, especially my boys. I hate thinking that I am depressed but I know that I will not ever get over it until I force myself to stop being in denial and start fixing it instead of trying to ignore it.  Although we are already done with majority of this year, I want to make the rest of it the best I can. So for now, this is me and that is all I can be!! My main focus right now is getting my family back to our happy place! To build a firm foundation for my kids to be raised on and that is really all I can do at this point!!

                                              I love my boys eternally for eternity!!