Extra Baggage...

I see that my pregnancy is coming to an end with just a few weeks left and as excited as I am, I feel more and more unprepared at the same time. This may sound weird as I already have two older boys but there is a huge gap between them so its feel as if I am starting all over again. I have made a little check list of what is needed for my "Brigham" when he arrives. From what is needed to bring him home to what is needed once he gets here! Well my checklist has been completed and I have bought everything that was on the checklist however I been having this overwhelmed feeling that something is not right or something is missing.

Don't get me wrong, I am excited about expanding my family but this pregnancy is starting to make me feel like I am not ready to mother a new born yet. I just want him to wait until I get everything situated before he comes out. Being stressed out I feel at times as if this baby is like a package in transit that I want to leave at the nearest UPS location so that I can reschedule for a pick up time that is more convenient for me. Ughh.. I know that sounds bad but I am not ready now. I thought I was but I think I was wrong:( I have been emotionally drained lately. Although I am excited to see who "Brigham" will look like more or what he will be like when he is here, at the same time I feel like I am so stressed out that I won't be able to enjoy the moments that will matter most like his birth, holding him for the first time..ect. I expected alot of changes due to this pregnancy but I didn't expect this.

I know my baby isn't a package therefore I shouldn't look at him that way. However a few things have happened within the last few weeks that make me wonder about how our family will cope once this baby is born. Will it be easier or harder?!? Time is ticking and yet I feel like everything is going down hill. I want to be on the right path when my son arrives but so far it looks like I am stuck at a cross road.

I have blogged about a big issue in our home a few posts ago and needless to say not much has changed since. I mean both my husband and I had numerous conversations regarding this issue and had agreed since he started his new shift at work, which starts at 6 am, he would slow down on hanging out with his Kalapu and Fai Kava'ing but I have yet to see any changes. It seems to have gotten worse actually. He has been coming home later then the times that we agreed upon. Which means he is more annoying on the days he comes home late cause he is tired and feels obligated to stay up or else he will never hear the end of it from me. Although I know where he goes whenever he is gone and can have him come home anytime I feel the need, I also feel as if he is an adult and should be able to make these decisions on his own without waiting for a text or a call from me. I have had restless nights due to pains and strains on my body that is out of my control and wish that my husband was there a little more to comfort and assist me in making these last few weeks as comfortable as possible but instead he is with his Kalapu. He feels like my discomfort would remain there whether he was home or not, which this could be true but that is not the point. I am lost at this point. I feel like there is nothing I can do. I realize now that it wasn't only material things needed in order to be prepared for this baby, but we needed to be emotionally and mentally prepared as well.

I am still waiting for my husband to clean out the room needed for me to start my nursery but he always puts it off. I just wish his priorities would be a little different. Like put my needs of getting the nursery done before his needs of having to attend meetings with his Kalapu as I have noticed these sessions can last all hours of the night and do absolutely nothing for this family:(

I thought by trying to understand why he does it so much or why it means so much to him that I would be okay with him doing it but I'm not anymore. It's getting to the point where I feel like I need something to change but if it's not him then what?!

Maybe I am being a little dramatic as I am coming to an end of my pregnancy and am deprived of much needed rest but whatever the reason is for my overwhelmed feeling of stress I do hope I can get this squared away soon. I have noticed that I am not myself lately. These sleepless nights and early mornings due to work is starting to take a toll on me. Okay. I'm done venting now.. I gotta go have dinner with my siblings and get some relaxation!!!